Where I find the Hardship

It’s a commonly known fact that as foreigners working abroad in the field of education we make a higher salary than our domestic counterparts. That said, the salary I make abroad is significantly less than what I last made working stateside in 2015. However, because I am exempt from U.S. taxes (I’m never home for more than 30 days, and am far under the threshold amount), and because my cost of living while abroad has been lower (both in Mongolia and Turkey), I am able to do more with that salary.

When the disparity of salaries is discussed with my Turkish friends or colleagues one thing that has been noted is that they accept the reality of our higher salaries because it is perceived, by some, that we earn this because of the “hardship” we endure by being far from our family (and home nation). I had never considered it from this perspective. I always understood getting “hazard pay” and being tax exempt when I was deployed with the U.S. military as I was serving in a dangerous locale. But that was the military, and to be honest, a couple of lifetimes ago.

As civilians, we, my foreign colleagues and I, make a choice to live abroad. Some do it for the travel and adventure it offers, others for the opportunity to pay off student loans (or other debt), and some for the professional experience/opportunities. Or a combination of those. As you know from my previous blog (An American Tomboy in Mongolia) as well as things I’ve shared here on All For Something, I became an international educator by happenstance. I followed my heart and a Big Love to Mongolia, and found a job in my career field–working as a librarian at an international school in Ulaanbaatar. The love affair burned hot and bright, and then burned out. There I stood with my education and experience, and realizing that I could stay abroad. So I did, and I came here to Turkey for my next position and opportunity.

I do not find it a hardship to be outside of the United States, as a country, or to be far from my family members who, except for my brother and his family, live there. Ironically I have MORE communication and connection with my parents and siblings than I ever did when I was living stateside. Go figure!

I am grateful for the technology that makes these diverse and frequent communications possible. With each family member there is a unique frequency and mode of communication. Just as we connect and bond in unique ways with people in our physical orbits. I communicate daily with my sister Fawn; I exchange audio messages with my brother and his wife (my oldest friend) every 2-3 weeks; I FaceTime with my sister, Robin, and her baby, my niece Makena, every 2-3 weeks. My mother and I exchange multiple messages weekly and schedule a FaceTime every month or so. My father and I recently started to video chat as well. I am well plugged-in with each of my immediate family members.

Additionally, we have an extended family WhatsApp group, The Caveney Clan, in which we share about the state of COVID in our respective locations, as well as accomplishments and struggles in life, and make plans for our next big holiday and reunion with one another. It’s nice to hear one another’s voices and see pictures and videos from everyone’s respective home. It diminishes the geographic distances between us. 

Similarly, I have connections with friends all over the world–from those back in the U.S. to those living in China, Australia, Mongolia, Germany, the UAE, and Canada. Thankfully I’m getting many of my stateside friends to use WhatsApp. The audio message feature is my favorite and most effective for asynchronous communication which key for covering the time zone differences. 

The hardship I have uncovered out here in the world, at-large, is the difficulty to connect with and make deep and true friendships with fellow foreigners. One might think that this would be an easy accomplishment as the population is small, and one would assume we would have a lot in common. But it is far more nuanced than you might imagine. Please allow me to elaborate with my personal experiences and observations, as well as some input I’ve gathered from a few of my fellow international educator friends–those with whom I have built significant friendships with. 

Firstly, I’d like to compare my experiences of working in the field of education through the lens of Domestic versus International. I spent 10 years working in education in the U.S. before moving abroad. I worked first in a public middle school, and then a private boarding/day high school (both in Colorado). It is my opinion that during those years I would estimate that approximately 10% of my co-workers were some shade of “crazy.” I don’t mean certifiably crazy. I mean there was something about him/her that made it challenging, or impossible, for others to connect with and move from co-worker into a friendship with that person (varying levels, of course). 

I think we are each a little weird, or strange, or quirky in one way or another. Myself included. But the kind of “crazy” that I don’t want to surround myself with are those individuals that do not want to increase their self awareness, who are not interested in personal growth or development, who don’t seem to want to become the next best iteration of themself. It is my personal belief that every human being can and would benefit from therapy, counseling, and/or personal development work. 

Those people with whom I have worked and then developed a close friendship with–those that ended up comprising the small collective of kindred spirits which became my inner friendship orbit–were people like myself, those willing to see and acknowledge their weaknesses, shortcomings, and insecurities. More importantly, they were interested in personal growth to become the best version of him/herself they could be. We felt free and safe to be completely vulnerable with one another, to see and acknowledge where we had growth yet to do, and to support one another along life’s journey. I have made these types of deep and true connections in every place I’ve ever lived, and I continue to cultivate and foster each of those friendships. 

I do subscribe to the school of thought that every human being could and would benefit from therapy.  I agree with Thomas Moore, author of Care for the Soul, in this brief article, that we are, each of us, a little neurotic in one way or another.  It is in the act of being self aware that we grow and expand. My mother had us, my younger siblings and I, participate in therapy when we were young and our parents went through a divorce, and again when she was coming to terms with her manic depression diagnosis and wanted to be sure we were supported. During my college years I sought out counseling on my university campus when I struggled with a small depression myself.

Yes, over the years I’ve participated from time-to-time in therapy. My last time to do so was in the spring and summer of 2018 and I used TalkSpace‘s messaging therapy option. I was living in Mongolia and there was not access to an English-speaking therapist there. My counselor lived in Washington state and she helped me to “check myself” while I went through the process of divorcing Zorig and relocating to Turkey. It was helpful to have an objective outside-point-of-view on the events and heartbreak that had occurred. After three months, I felt I was in a good place and discontinued therapy. 

I believe that mental well-being is no different from physical well-being. We do things to keep our bodies healthy–eat a good diet, exercise,  and get the right amount of sleep. IF we are taking good care of ourselves, that is.  The same goes for our brains and hearts–we must do the necessary self-care to keep ourselves well. We need to “do the work” to be good to our selves–allowing ourself to “feel the feels” that life throws at us, but also to grow and develop through challenges and life changes.

I’ve worked over the years to improve my listening skills–so that I can be a better friend. I apologize when I hurt someone’s feelings, or fail them in some way. I do my best to NOT take things personally and try to always put myself in another person’s shoes, to genuinely work to understand their point of view. And therefore, that’s how I endeavor to be a friend with those I love and care about. Friends are the family I choose–and to make long lasting and deep friendships we must feel free and safe to fully expose ourselves, to be vulnerable. It DOES get harder to do this as we age–making friends later in life is a far cry from our childhood and youth. It’s scary as hell, I know, BUT the rewards when we do it are so very beautiful and rewarding. 

Out here in the field of international education, amongst my fellow foreigners, I believe that the percentage of “crazy” is higher. Honestly, I think it’s between 30-40%. If not more. It’s not that people have issues–as I believe we each do–it’s that so many out here don’t want to do anything about their issues. Some have never had therapy or done any personal development work of any kind. And maybe because it is a population that tends to be somewhat transient, there is the ability to jump and skip from one place to the next, always being “new” in a place and having “new” friends can lead to an environment and ecosystem where some individuals never have to, nor choose to, take a hard and long look at themselves. 

While I was in Mongolia a colleague, who was a veteran educator and had been working abroad for well over a decade, said that she had learned that international educators generally fall into one of three categories: misfits, miscreants, or missionaries. In this scenario I would be in the misfit category–and that makes sense as I became an international educator as a byproduct of love. I wasn’t in pursuit of the “international lifestyle”–that came three years later–and I’m still not exactly traditional because I don’t care to change my school/nation every 2-3 years as many do.

Mongolia, being a primarily Buddhist nation, was far more susceptible to missionaries. I don’t encounter that here in Turkey, though a Turkish friend recently shared with me about having a foreigner ask him out for coffee, to only then be asked if he knew Jesus. So yes, there ARE some missionaries in Turkey. However, I’m not aware of anyone in my work place that would fall into that category. In Mongolia there were a few individuals that would have fallen into the miscreant category. I’ll not bother to discuss that category. 

That said, I don’t find that those three over-arching categories offer up enough variety for the diversity of people (expats/foreigners) I have encountered in my nearly six years living and working abroad. 

With reflection, and through discussions with some close friends that are also international educators, I’ve come up with additional/alternate categories to try and illustrate the “foreigner landscape” in which I live. I have encountered these types in both countries I’ve worked, and the input from my friends include a few other countries as well. It’s not all inclusive.  Not ALL foreigners fall into one of these; however, more do than I wish were so. 

• • There are always a good number of what I will call “Toxic Pontificators.”  These individuals are angry, embittered, and miserable people that spend a great deal of their time and energy complaining and being negative. They complain at length about all the problems with the current school and/or country, but amazingly he/she never pursues employment in another school/country. They often will have a lot of AMOS comments–“At my old school…_______.” And yet, they left that school. As for the pontificating, it can be about their faith (missionaries in Mongolia), or more frequently, these people always know best (about teaching AND life in general) and it is apparent they are not listening when you speak; they are thinking about what they will say next. They dominate conversations and always know best or have the answers. Narcissism is most certainly at play–and there is a strange swirl of being both a braggart AND never satisfied. More often than not these people have substance abuse issues–heavy smoker, big drinker, etc.
  • Another individual we’ve encountered is what I’ll call “Jealous Gossips.” These individuals are deeply insecure, often lonely, and jealous of those around them. They spend much time in their conversations talking about, judging, or putting down others in an effort to feel better about themselves. They desperately want to connect and have real friendships, but fear keeps them trapped behind their walls. They can’t be vulnerable or let people in, and/or are unwilling to be accountable in relationship with others. Their communication skills are lacking–they often speak without thinking, or avoid authentic communication in general. They are quick to criticize others, but incapable of seeking or hearing feedback about themselves and their way of being which pushes others away.
  • There are also what I will call the  “Shifty Shallows.” You never really know these people. They seem affable and kind enough, but they are slippery in that they behave in such a way as to try and fit with anyone and everyone, but with never really exposing who they truly are. They want to be liked and included in events and gatherings, but they shift and change parts of themselves to mix with each group–a sort of social chameleon who never shows their underbelly. They never share much about themselves, but also don’t ask much of others–often present, but rarely standing out in any way. They can act like a close friend one month, and the next month act as though they don’t know you when you pass them on the street. 
  • And finally, there is always a “Lazy Skater” or two in the mix. These are individuals that are, to be honest, not employable in their home country because they are lazy and have a poor work ethic. They want to do the bare minimum to get by, and take advantage of schools that need native English speakers. Their qualifications make them employable out in the world, but in their home country their lack of solid recommendations and a steady track record of employment would have them struggling to be hired. They are “problem” people passed on from one school to another. They are overwhelmingly forgettable in every way–professionally and personally.

I do want to clarify that we don’t each fall into one of these categories, there are plenty of people that are, I believe, well-adjusted and good human beings and that are also good or great educators. But it has been my experience that amongst my fellow foreign faculty members abroad, there is a smaller percentage of people I am able to connect with deeply. 

Before the pandemic arrived and I went to lunch with foreign co-workers, it was always “telling” what was discussed over lunch. Disappointingly, foreign educators seem to stick to (a) shop talk–discussing students and classes or (b) where they were traveling to next or had just returned from. And that’s it. It was shallow and depressing that there seemed to be so little these colleagues felt interested to share about themselves, or to inquire of others.

I stopped going to school lunch for this reason. I don’t find small talk interesting or life-expanding. There is so very much to share about oneself and to learn about the world and one another.

Yes, unfortunately it has been my experience that the “foreign friendship pool” is more shallow than it was stateside.

The upside of this realization is that here in Turkey I have had the pleasure of making and cultivating numerous authentic friendships with Turks. In fact, of those I consider to be my close friends, Turks have become the majority. Scroll back to the top and the feature photo is from my birthday in November with my two best Turkish girlfriends, Meriç and Neslihan. As I plan to stay indefinitely, this is not a bad thing. Foreign educators are a relatively small and transient population–perhaps one of the reasons why they keep their relationships shallow? Don’t misunderstand me, I do have foreign friends that I enjoy and spend time with; however, the percentage seems smaller than one might imagine. That has been the unexpected hardship of this life lived abroad. 

If you are an expat or foreigner living abroad, I’d love to hear your thoughts, experiences, and observations about making friends with your fellow foreigners, OR the friendships you have built with locals. What have been the challenges? What has surprised you?