Rejecting that Rote, that Scripted Life

I have had a number of thoughts and topics bumping around in my brain this month that I considered writing about but nothing seemed to rise to the surface. Until today.

A former student of mine posted the following question on her Facebook page recently: “Women 30 or Older: If you could give one piece of advice to a girl in her early 20’s what would it be?” This question has been around for some time; it is not new. However, this was the first time I paused to think, and chose to answer.

I wrote to her, “Be yourself, no matter what, and to heck with everyone/society and their/its judgements and limited lens/beliefs. Do not subscribe to the rote life that is unknowingly offered up as THE script. Write your own adventure and love every climb and tumble along the way!”

She received a few replies and I can support every one of them. Many years ago there was a column in a magazine in which the author wrote a letter to her younger self. I wish I could find that to share here, but it is lost in the years of life between then and now. Both of these writings are a call back to Mark Twain’s infamous comment that, “Youth is wasted on the young.” I know when I was young and single I had fun, but I also know I was not as capable of living in the NOW as I currently am able to do. I suppose that is what life experience teaches us. 

I have family and friends that have been traveling the “road less traveled” far longer than myself. They are firebrands and inspirations, each of them. While I have friends that seem to think I’ve always led a wild and unfettered life, I don’t think that is the case. For well over 20 years I fell in line with a traditional life path. By that I mean, the scripted or rote life we are handed in our youth and coming-of-age years from our society in general, and from our family and friends more specifically. It happens most unsuspectingly. It’s in the background of all we do. Let me try to elaborate.

We grow up doing things, sometimes intentionally, often unconsciously. To my thinking the rote or scripted life I was handed by my American society or culture went something like this: Go to university and get a degree and a good job, buy a car, rent a good apartment, meet your special someone, get engaged, buy a house together, get married, upgrade your car(s), get an advanced degree, get a better paying job (climb that ladder! corporate or otherwise.), have kids, buy a larger house, get an additional certification, take awesome family holidays, upgrade your vehicle again, save money for retirement AND your children’s college, change companies for a better position, and so on and so forth. For each of us the order of events may be varied. 

I am NOT here to knock this script completely–it has gifted me with many wonderful experiences and qualifications. I love my career and I would not have discovered it if I hadn’t felt pushed to get a Masters Degree. My career is what provides all the other incredible experiences I’ve lived, and live each day of the here and now. Also, all the jobs I’ve had over the years have provided co-workers that became dear friends and with whom I stay in touch across time and space. I have good friends from every place I’ve ever lived–no matter if it was 16 years (Colorado Springs) or three years (Mongolia). 

Where I got off track from the traditional script is two-fold.

First, I changed husbands. Three times. And, I divorced them. Meaning, I could have probably stayed married indefinitely or forever. I forced the change to go off-course. I do not feel that I failed; I quit that which no longer provided growth. It is impossible for a couple to grow if one or the other partner is not pursuing individual growth first.  I guess some of my friends would say that is where I detoured from the traditional script. I can’t disagree, but I think the larger alternate choice was in choosing to not have children of my own.

Most people my age do have children–either grown or adolescents or even younger ones, depending on when they lived out that part of the script. If I had been with, or married to, a man that was of “strong-and-good-daddy material” during my prime child-bearing years, I probably would have landed on that side of the fence. But I wasn’t. And I did not have a strong internal drive to become a mother. Actually, I had no drive at all in that regard. So there is no regret or longing in my heart for that ship that has sailed on past me. I am, however, very grateful to have a relationship with my stepson from my last marriage. He’s a kind young man and I love him very much. 🍀 🇲🇳 ❤️

Now here I sit, a single woman in her upper 40’s, living her life abroad and wondering what the next Act or Scene will offer me. And YES–it’s true. Age happens. 😆 God bless my hairstylist this past Friday–Fatih Bey–for being shocked at my age and saying he thought I was 37 years old. Maximum!  🥰

Anyway, I find myself writing an alternate or independent-film sort of script. I’ve lived the married, traditional, and rote life for many years. It is not what I seek for this current chapter of life on planet Earth. And that leads me to sharing a bit more about my current state of affairs. 

I had a fling this past August. And that summer fling has become a romance, morphing into something lovely and surprising. I tried to share with my brother (via WhatsApp audio messages) about being surprised by unexpected feelings for an unlikely chap, and that I had some new understandings of, or thoughts about “love.” I said something like, “isn’t all love, any love, some kind of love, and worthy of the experience?” His response was that I sounded like a hippie! If you know me, this is laugh-worthy as I’m far from being a hippie. 😆

But his reply DID make me giggle. You see, he subscribes to the definition that love is a specific thing, that it looks a certain way and is lived out in a particular mode or order. But I am no longer looking for “I-want-to-spend-my-life-with-you” love. I’m not looking for “let’s-move-in-and-get-married” love. I have been there, done that. Three times. If nothing else my track record should illustrate that it is time for me to TRY a different understanding, experience, and expression of love. 

Of course, I want love. We all want to love and be loved. But we do get to choose what that love looks like and how it is expressed and “lived out,” or not. I don’t know where this kind of love will lead me, but I’m curious to discover. 

After my terrible heartbreak in Mongolia, I wasn’t sure if I would know love again, or be open to feeling it. Of course I dreamed of it, as it is the greatest high in this world (IMHO) and so very worthy of our gamble to feel and experience it. Interestingly I have learned in recent weeks that I did not build “walls” around my heart in the aftermath of that heartbreak, but rather I created or looked for ways to DOUBT or discredit or disbelieve that which was right in front of me. I doubted that I would be chosen, that there wouldn’t be a “catch” or “hidden agenda,” I doubted that love would be “real.” But day by day, my doubts have fallen away or been proven false. 

This is not a falling-in-love experience as I have lived before. Rather, I am surprised by love…..like it snuck up behind me, tapped me on the shoulder, and said, “hey, look here!” 

This time around I endeavor to enjoy it, to feel it, to live it out. My intention is to NOT put expectations on it or demand it be X, Y, or Z. Whether it lives on for weeks or months or more–no matter.  I endeavor to stay fully present in the here and now, because the past is gone and the future is not guaranteed. Love, in any moment or place, is a beautiful thing to feel. And so that is what I’m doing–feeling and living the Love. 

P.S. Please know that if you are living a traditionally scripted life AND you are happy and satisfied–GREAT! I know many people that do, and I do not begrudge that life. Where I failed to live out those lines, I know it has offered much success and joy to many. At the end of the day, I simply want for each of us, each of you, Health, Happiness, and Love!