Childfree the Right Path for Me

It’s no secret that I’m not a baby person! I’m often that one person in the room that pulls back or shies away from holding the coworker’s baby when they come to visit the office after giving birth. When my siblings had their children, I was living afar and only had opportunity to interact in small doses. My friends have often been people with grown/older children, those that haven’t yet had them, OR those that, like me, have opted to not become parents. In my nuclear family I am the one of four siblings that did not have children of their own. This is a fairly new development as one of my sisters just had her first child. Now I stand alone as the childless or childfree member of the family (I do still maintain a relationship with my stepson from the last marriage; he will soon be 20 years old).

This is on the forefront of my mind these days as I returned in early February from spending two weeks with my sister, her newborn daughter, and my mother. Part of the issue with my family is that we all live in different states or countries. This sister has lived in California for eight years and this was only my second visit to see her there. My mom was there for support in the weeks after birth. I had my two week semester break and opted to spend it with my family. And in light of recent events and circumstances, I’m beyond glad that I did.

I spent 12 days with a baby. It was my first extended time period around any baby, and I expect it will be my only time to do so. To my surprise I loved it! Makena–whom I spontaneously nicknamed “buttercup”–was sweet and lovely to hold, to burp, and dare I say, even to change. I enjoyed very much holding a baby for hours here and there. I miss her smell, her squeaks, and her warmth and weight upon me. 

That said, I can also say that time with this sweet, darling baby did not make me want for one of my own. I suppose you could say, “good!” as I am over the hill for that sort of thing and would probably require drastic measures to do so (not considering adoption, of course). To be honest I have never had a strong calling nor felt the biological-ticking-of-a-clock to cause me to conceive. 

In my recent forays into dating in Turkey I encounter the question, “why don’t/didn’t you have a child?” I appreciate this much more than the accusatory tone that came up in Mongolia, as if there must be something wrong with me since I hadn’t yet procreated. I engage in this conversation with friends as well as dates. It is interesting to reflect on WHY this is not something I chose to do in my lifetime. There are a few facets to the choice, I believe. 

First, I must give some credit (or blame?) to the Biology professor I had at Edinboro University in the early 90s. She was a great teacher! Unfortunately I can’t recall her name, but I do remember she was married, had children, and also kept Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches as pets! Not something one is keen to forget. Part of our coursework that semester included watching the documentary film/episode, “The Miracle of Life,” which documents the creation and delivery of a new human. It showed the birth experience–in its entirety. I remember being horrified and thinking that perhaps I didn’t want to put my body through that experience.

Now, please don’t misunderstand me. The creation and development of a human life inside the woman’s body is, no doubt, a miraculous reality. I am amazed that we all were once that small and spent nine months within a womb. I am most certainly in awe of what the human body is capable of, and I have the utmost respect for those that choose the path of parenthood (whether it be by way of biology, adoption, foster care, etc). I also know that our bodies were made to procreate and that it is natural. However, I found it horrifying and scary and winced at the pain and havoc wrecked upon the female body as the baby made its way into the outside world. It’s not rational, I know, but that movie may have been one factor in my lack of desire to have a child of my own.

That seed planted, the next and most certainly largest factor in sustaining my placement on the childfree path was the fact that during my childbearing years I was not in relationship with men that were what I would consider “good daddy material,” and therefore the drive to be a mother never surfaced. If I had chosen different paths in different moments, I might very well be a mother of two living in rural Pennsylvania right now. That’s the “sliding doors” option. 

But I didn’t make those choices and here I am, 46 and childfree. I have no regrets and no sadness. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Not too long ago my other sister Fawn shared a video with me about a couple that had built an off-the-grid home somewhere in Bristish Columbia, I think. In it the man said something like, “this isn’t everyone’s dream, but each of us should find and pursue our own dream.” I couldn’t agree with him more!!!

And so, here we are, back to the man who starts and ends one of my favorite RomComs–Pretty Woman– with the question, “What’s your dream?”

Indulge me….what’s your dream? What could be better in these strange times then to DREAM? Feel free to comment below.  Love you all!