The Search for a Word

Back in early 2012 I read an article in Guideposts magazine by Debbie Macomber that shared her practice of choosing a word to focus on each year. While I wouldn’t describe myself as a religious person, nor am I a reader of Macomber’s books, I was inspired by this practice. I chose a word for that year, and have been choosing a “word for the year” ever since. I have shared the article with friends and family and some have opted to participate in the practice as well. While I am NOT a fan of The Secret, I do subscribe to the thinking that positive thoughts beget positivity, that we draw to us that which we put out into the world. As a new year approaches, I am deep in the throes of choosing my word for 2019. 

Reflecting on the words I’ve chosen over the past seven years, I’d say that, for the most part, my attention or focus on that word has had a positive impact on my life and living, with one exception.

Here is a list of the chosen words from 2012 until now, and a brief accounting of how that word ended up creating or reflecting events, choices, decisions, and so forth, that occurred in my life during that year:

• 2012: FRONTIER
  This word choice proved prophetic. That summer I applied and was hired for what was, at the time, my dream job. The Head Librarian at Fountain Valley School. This was not something I had looked for. I wasn’t looking for a job, period. But it found me nonetheless. And it was a great new frontier–professionally and personally. I spent three incredible years working at FVS and have great memories and good friends to show for the time spent there.
• 2013: IMAGINATIVE
  This is the one word that fell flat and did not reap results in my life. My intention was to invite more creativity into my life. Perhaps I didn’t pay it enough attention. Bottom line? It’s the one year that I have nothing interesting to reflect upon or share with you. On second thought, it was the year I turned the BIG 4-0, and I guess I could say I was creative around that event. I was not looking forward to the transition. But once I decided to throw myself a big ole party, with all the important women in my life from across all the years, well, that was imaginative and a grand time!
• 2014: PRAYER
  This was back in a time when I thought I wanted to be more spiritual (*not religious). I can’t say I actually prayed, but it did cause me to spend more time in reflection, as well as engaging in increased positive self-talk and visualization. I’d also say that I DID wish and want for change in my life. My 14 year marriage had been stagnating for years. It was not bad; it was not good. It was simply, “meh.” I worried I was stuck in a cycle of “doing time.” But then there was the trip I made to Mongolia that summer with my father (a trip we had been planning for four years). It ended up being the impetus for monumental changes to my life. I returned to Colorado, filed for divorce, sold my house, and began to imagine a new chapter of life–living abroad. While I didn’t pray for a man, a new man arrived before the year had ended. I was going to do something crazy–move to Mongolia for love and adventure!
• 2015: RESONANCE, should have been SURREAL
  I wrapped up one life and began anew in Mongolia. I sold or gifted nearly all of my belongings and on June 30th boarded a plane for Ulaanbaatar–the coldest and most polluted capital city in the world. I started a new job at an International School, married a Mongolian citizen, and became a stepmother to a 14 year old boy. I tried to learn a second language (failed at that one!), worried daily about being pick-pocketed, made a GREAT group of girlfriends with fellow Americans in similar life situations. I ate horse meat for the first time, and found a “kindred spirit” in a Mongolian co-worker and now best friend. Yes, it was a year in which CHANGE resonated loud and clear. I was high on life and LOVE and change. High on the new, spontaneous, and unknown. But more than resonating, the year felt surreal at every turn. Was I really doing this? Living this life?
• 2016: HOLD
  I could feel things shifting beneath me, but also couldn’t put my finger on it. I had a strong desire to fight hard to simply HOLD steady, to hold on to all that I loved about making the crazy move which had flipped my life upside down and inside out. I wanted to hold on as the curves became more extreme. My love was deep and strong, but I could feel that things were not OKAY. In September of that year it was becoming clear that while I could hold on, I was just one person. I couldn’t hold the center steady for us all. In retrospect I see now that I knew already that I was moving towards a horizon burning bright under wretched heartbreak. I tried not to look at that horizon, tried to live a bit in Denial. But like anything that is moving or growing, and for which death is the only alternative, that horizon continued to pursue me. She and I had a date with destiny. 
• 2017: FLUX
  And therefore I chose another prophetic word. I knew in my core that 2017 would be the year of unraveling. Holding wasn’t possible; so I did what I could to embrace the uncertainty by choosing to focus on the Flux.  While I wanted to hold on to the Love (words can’t express how epic my experience of it was), and move mountains to make it all stick together and be good, I came to understand that Love is NOT enough, and that I was only ONE person in that relationship equation. 
• 2018: FORTUNE
  This was definitely an intentional choice to draw, hopefully, some GOOD fortune into my life. Though I confess that when I thought of Fortune I had two images in mind: (1) Roman soldiers casting lots while Jesus was crucified, and (2) the scene in “Mama Mia” when Meryl Streep is  twirling around and singing about the gods throwing dice and how the winner takes it all. The year had a very rocky start and middle. I accepted the fact that moving forward with my Mongolian husband was an impossibility. He refused, or was incapable of, compromise or making necessary contributions for the betterment of the family. While I believe our relationship began with real Love, it twisted and contorted and became something different for him. Even now I continue to try and suss out the truth of the matter. Was it culture? Was it different dreams? Was it a failure to communicate? I do not know for sure.  We divorced two months before what would have been the three year anniversary of our marriage. I’m past the painful heartbreak phase, and in recovery.

  I’d say I’ve found many great fortunes in the second half of this year. Beyond my amazing family and network of friends which supported me through it all, I’ve landed in a great new country and what I would describe as my next dream job. I have a lovely home, a new language to learn, and new friends and colleagues all around. I have sunshine, warmth, and sea. And a treasure trove of history and culture to experience, people to meet and know. 

   

But here we are now, just three weeks away from another New Year. That nonrenewable resource–Time–keeps pulling us forward. What will 2019 have in store? One can never know.

What I know for sure is that change is the only constant. I know that the unexpected, unpredicted, and often unwanted things and events will come to pass. It can go against everything we love and wish and dream and hope for. However, with time, distance, and some temperance, a new seeing occurs. What was once tragedy and heartbreak, may offer up delight, abundance, joy, and new growth.

I feel myself like a forest after a raging wildfire. The smoldering finished and new shoots abound. They are brilliant and vibrant green. What will spring forth from the tragedy that was 2018? Only 2019 knows.

I’ll be sure to let you know what I discover and experience in the year to come. And once I choose my Word—once she finds her way to my heart and gut–I’ll post it here as a comment. As always, thank you for your support, encouragement, and friendship. I hope the new year will bring you health and happiness and above all, wonder!