What about a Solo Life?

It is my nature, when embarking on something new or encountering something unknown, to plunge myself into research. I search the web. I look for books on Amazon. I talk to those that are experts or have knowledge of the topic.  Perhaps it’s my training in librarianship, or my obsession with learning, or simply how I am hardwired. I need to know the WHY and HOW behind things. Getting informed makes me feel less afraid, less unsure, more empowered, more capable.

Therefore after about 20 years of having a primary relationship–aka having a significant other– I am ALONE for the first time. I am not leaving one relationship for the next. This time. This time is different. I am investing instead in the MOST primary relationship any of us ever has–the one we have with our self. However, these are uncharted waters. I was in my early 20s the last time I was single. My experiences were less, my wisdom small, while my options were great. Who knows. Now I am approaching 45. I will soon be thrice divorced. It has been a year of heartbreak and disappointment. And yet, as the choppy waters calm and the stormy skies begin to clear, I find myself looking out on an entirely new landscape. In some moments I am scared and I am unsure. I experience unease. And yet, there is a thrill about the unknown, about this something new that I can learn about and experience.

And yes, I HAVE done research about this thing called the Solo Life. There is a surprising amount of information out there about it. I guess as with so many things in life….we just don’t know until we look. I started with a book entitled Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone by Eric Klinenberg. This was an enlightening read as it went into the statistics behind those that live alone. By age category, by gender, by race, by locale (rural vs urban). I didn’t realize that there were so very many people that live this lifestyle–many by choice, some not. This book focused on America primarily, but did reference other populations (example–the high incidence of solo livers in Scandinavia). This book included a variety of other resources–books, websites, and solo living “gurus” of sorts. I listened to it on Audible and felt it was a good place to get started on the topic.

As I was reading that book I also had a FaceTime date with my mother. I told her beforehand that I wanted to talk with her about her solo life. We did the math and calculated that she’s been doing it for about 18 years–granted, she’s in a different age bracket than myself, but in some ways we are similar. She is PAST her days of raising children (though she’s ALWAYS available to support us adult children and to offer good counsel!); I chose to not have children of my own. We both like having a feline companion in our home. We talked on for well over an hour on the topic–the advantages and the downsides, how other people perceive and respond to the choice, how it impacts thoughts about retirement and vacations. We talked about the communities we’ve built and the the balance we both want (need?) of both socializing and having “me time.” My mother is an inspiration to me (and a number of others!) because at 60 years old she moved to a new city for a dream job and to live alone for really the first time–no partner, no children. Just her. (And her cats!) And she’s been in that same apartment, working that same dream job for more than 13 years now. Yes, our conversation put my unsettled mind at ease. What I wished to pursue was both possible AND satisfying.

Next I downloaded Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform your Life by Lauren Mackler. I’m yet working my way through this book. It’s a workbook of sorts that includes a number of exercises that ask you to analyze and reflect on your childhood, youth, life choices to date, personality and temperament, and desires/wishes for an “ideal partner” so that you can become your own ideal mate–thus the term solemate. I took the Myers Briggs Personality Inventory as part of the exercises (you can take it officially on this site for about $50). I learned that I am an ISTJ–Introversion, Sensing, Thinking, Judging.  I already knew I was an ambivert–which means I toggle between being an introvert and extrovert. I need the quiet “me time” just as much as I want to socialize and be amongst people. The key for me is that I want to be with real or authentic people–people I know and appreciate and can trust with the details of my life and and heart. I don’t want to be at a party or dinner where no one ever digs beyond small talk or scripts we speak in. The older I get the less time I have for artifice and facades. Not that I ever had much time for them!

Now let me take a pause here to say that I am NOT against coupling or being in relationship(s). Shoot, I did it for 20 years! And I’m NOT saying that leading a solo life is a better or the right way. This is simply my way of sharing where I am in this life. Some will relate, some won’t. Some are engaged, or newly married, or celebrating 15 or 20 or more years together. I congratulate you and celebrate you. We are, each of us, just making our own way in the world and doing the best we can in any situation and phase in life. Most of us want similar things in this life–love in family and friendships, good health, mental well-being, the finances necessary to do the things we enjoy, meaningful work, happiness, and joy. I’m interested in talking about and exploring any and all of these topics. I want to hear about your joys and I hope you’ll want to hear mine; likewise for the struggles and challenges. In sharing our lives with one another we grow in connection and expand the meaning and value of our lives.

I recently finished Spinster: Making a Life of One’s Own by Kate Bolick. Perhaps it is because Bolick and I are close in age, or because she is a lover of the written word–as this book spoke to me on a number of levels. I expect to read it a second time. She looks at and analyzes her solo life by seeing it through the historical and literary lenses of previous women (all writers) that also chose a solo lifestyle for a duration of their lives. This included Edna St. Vincent Millay, Neith Boyce, Maeve Brennan, Edith Wharton, and Charlotte Perkins Gilman. Some of them I had heard of (the poet, novelist, and short story writer), others I hadn’t (essayist and columnist). I learned a great deal about women living in New York City in the 1800s and 1900s. Bolick interestingly weaves her reading and knowledge of these female writers with her own life and experiences including the death of her mother, a variety of relationships, and her struggle to be the writer she dreamed of becoming (has become!).

There were a number of “aha moments’ as I read Spinster but one in particular that I’d like to share as I bring this post to a close. Bolick talks about the opposite issue experienced by those living in relationship and those leading a solo lifestyle. Those married or coupled (and often with children) live a life with “no time”; those leading a solo life can sometimes feel as if they have “too much time.” I thought about my friends and family members. This seemed to, for the most part, be true. My friends with spouses and children (and careers!) rarely can find an hour or day to be alone. Some married couples I know struggle to make time for the “couple”–let alone the individual–because they are busy feeding the kids and meeting their own career commitments.

I have lived separately in my current apartment for nearly 11 months. Some of that time I had my stepson living with me. But the other half of it I’ve been alone. When my soon-to-be-ex-husband did nothing to attempt to salvage our relationship in the first half of those 11 months I accepted that a solo lifestyle was next for me. I was scared, but determined. I didn’t know what to do with all the time I suddenly had. No obligations to cook dinner for others. No need to worry about disturbing others when I awake at 4 am, restless and out of sorts. No planning of a family’s social calendar. Every evening and each weekend was a blank canvas of TIME with which I could paint how I wanted. I confess that in the beginning I filled a bit too much of that time with alcohol. But after the new year arrived and I struggled through some health issues (stress induced!), I reorientated myself on what was important (self growth, connecting with friends and family, reading, writing, etc) and things began to settle down and feel like a “new” normal.

No matter if we are in relationship or not, we each have the same number of hours in a day. We have to find or make the balance we need and want. That’s the key word–Balance. No matter who we are, where we live, what we do, whom we have relationships with–the struggle in life is to find balance amongst the chaos and commitments. We need balance to be healthy. I’d argue we need it to be happy. I am working to find what the right/best balance is for me in this new solo life I am leading. I enjoy my quiet mornings–working out, drinking coffee, journaling. These keep me centered and grounded. It is evenings that are tough for me. I want to socialize and be amongst people. And so it’s up to me to make that happen. To schedule time with friends or sign up for classes or go to events. Or to simply head outside for a walk. Sometimes even being amongst strangers on the street can diminish a feeling of loneliness. For me it’s about realizing when I’m enjoying aloneness versus when I feel lonely. And then doing what is necessary to move from unease to ease, discomfort to comfort.

I’m not looking for anyone to complete me….I’m going to complete myself. Or rather, develop myself. Completion reeks of finality and I’m at the beginning of something.